I Do One Thing at a Time (Or Unpacking, Part 1)

I walk with a good friend every Monday. It's always a chance to brainstorm, dream, agonize, or question. This week I was talking--or was I complaining??--about how my brain works. It's a bit like Major Winchester from M*A*S*H who said something like, "I do one thing. I do it very well. And then I move on." I have finally, finally got my Facebook page up and tidied up my blog. And now I am in the muck of my website. In Rhonda-land, that means I have added nothing new to FB and haven't posted to my blog (and I won't tell you what my house looks like). I do one thing. I analyze it to death. And then I move on. So, my wise friend says, why aren't you writing about that on your blog. Grrrr. She is right, of course, so I have halted construction of my website to put this out there.

I don't remember a time when my brain worked differently. Maybe I have always done this "one thing at a time" bit. Although I have excelled in some situations that demanded multitasking, it's not my natural tendency--in fact, I really dislike it. I want to focus on one thing for big chunks of time until I have completed it as well as I possibly can. I'm that person who reads an entire book in a day or stays up until 3 am to finish painting a room or feels that it will be hard to get real work done when there is a 1:00 appointment breaking up the day. Sometimes the object of my attention was years in the making and my ability to focus was helpful--getting a Ph.D., for example.

The companion piece to this, the more dangerous part? I can be very future-oriented--I yearn for the project to be finished so I can do the next project, as in "I'll be so happy when I'm done with my website, then I will have time to work on my family photographs." I have often worked diligently and at length without feeling the joy of discovery and accomplishment in the moment--only feeling excitement when I am finished. Unfortunately, my happiness is frequently short-lived, because I am already thinking about some new project waiting in the wings. I have moved through my life concentrating on one thing after another and waiting to be fully happy "until." I can tell you my husband is generally not crazy about this behavior (rightfully so!), and it has frequently left me feeling depleted. Although I feel the promises for future happiness in a new project, I have difficulty working up the energy; it feels daunting and overwhelming because I know how much I will be putting into it. So, even the happiness that fills that little space between projects can be tainted by the exhaustion of the last thing and dread of the next. Although it seems so obvious now, it has taken me a painfully long time to figure out this pattern. I don't know the best way to cope with it yet. I think it is about understanding it first. And learning to embrace my whole self, flaws and all.

There is so much more to this part of me. I feel that I am unpacking it, unraveling the layers. I've actually written this blog three times since Monday, exploring different aspects of this issue. I think this particular version is at the heart of what is happening to me right now. So, this one will stick. Another day I will unpack more. It is a little unsettling to share this with you, but I am committed to talking about my real life experiences here. I am pleased that I was able to step away from my project at hand to write this blog post, fully enjoy teaching my classes this week, exercise, and take some time with my hubby. Choosing happiness and living more in the moment are works-in-progress for me. I know that understanding myself better and choosing my path with intention will be worth the effort.

Unpacking is a good thing...